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Short Funny Quotes

Written By Nathen Bridgwater on Sunday, July 14, 2013 | 6:15 AM

Short Funny Quotes Biography

Horse sense is a good judgment which keeps horses from betting on people.

I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.

Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don't mind, age don't matter.

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are Footprints on the moon…

The sex was so good even the neighbors had a cigarette.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

I get enough exercise pushing my luck.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather … Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.

The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.

You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

I got a gun for my wife, best trade I’ve ever made.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

To all you virgins, thanks for nothing.

Beauty is a light switch away……………..

Evening news is where they start by saying “Good Evening” and proceed by telling you why it’s not.

there are three kinds of people in this world those who can count and those who cant

when life hands you lemons make lemonade and find someone eles who life handed them vodka and have a party

if Barbie is so popular then y do we buy her friends and boyfriends?

“GOD created the world, everything else is made in china.”

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you’ll be a mile from them, and you’ll have their shoes.

why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections.

Practice doesn't make perfect. Perfect practice makes perfect.

Those who throw dirt only lose ground

You never truly understand something unless you can explain it to your grandmother

Error. No keyboard. Press F1 to continue.

Experience is what you get when you didn’t get what you wanted.

Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that people who have the most, live the longest

hey occifer i swear to drunk im not as god as you think i am

This sentence is a lie.

Men are like parking stalls. All the good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped!!

Change is good, but dollars are better.

How is it that “fat chance” and “slim chance” mean the same thing?

1492: Native Americans discover Columbus lost at sea.

Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and the world laughs harder

everyone hates me because I'm paranoid

Solution to 2 of the world’s problem. Feed the Homeless to the hungry.

You laugh because I’m different…I laugh cause I just farted!

whoever said nothing is impposible, never tried slamming a revolving door!!!

Silence is golden but duck tape is silver

When life gives you melons… you might be dyslexic !

There’s no I in Team, yeah but there is in WIN

Those who criticize our generation seem to forget who raised it!

Man who goes to bed with an itchy butt … wakes up with a stinky finger!

Children in the back seat cause accidents… accidents in the back seat cause children!

The only good thing about going bra-less at my age is that it pulls the wrinkles right out of my face.

How do you know when you are too drunk to drive? When yoHumor is the best companion to get through life. Sorrows are transformed into minor interruptions when you add laughter to your life. When life sucks, read these funny life quotes. If nothing else, they will help you regain your sense of humor. And if you find someone whining, share these funny life quotes with them.
Alan Bennett
Life is rather like a tin of sardines - we're all of us looking for the key.

Life is like an onion: You peel it off one layer at a time, and sometimes you weep.
Charles Schulz
My life has no purpose, no direction, no aim, no meaning, and yet I'm happy. I can't figure it out. What am I doing right?
Charlotte Bronte
Life is so constructed that an event does not, cannot, will not, match the expectation.
Elbert Hubbard
Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.
Bob Monkhouse
Personally, I don't think there's intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one?
Douglas Adams
Life... is like a grapefruit. It's orange and squishy, and has a few pips in it, and some folks have half a one for breakfast.
Christopher Morley
Life is a foreign language; all men mispronounce it.
Woody Allen
Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.
Bill Gates
It's possible; you can never know that the universe exists only for me. If so, it's sure going well for me, I must admit.
Henry David Thoreau
The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation.
Jack Handey
I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.
Friedrich Nietzsche
He who has a why to live can bear almost any how.
Quentin Crisp
You fall out of your mother's womb, you crawl across open country under fire, and drop into your grave.
Charles Schulz
I think I've discovered the secret of life - you just hang around until you get used to it.
Jim Carrey
I think everybody should get rich and famous and do everything they ever dreamed of so they can see that it's not the answer.
Richard Bach
Here is the test to find whether your mission on Earth is finished: if you're alive, it isn't.
Alice Roosevelt Longworth
I have a simple philosophy: Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. Scratch where it itches.
Karen Horney
The perfect normal person is rare in our civilization.
George Bernard Shaw
Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.

As powerful as inspirational quotes can be, sometimes we just need a bit of humor to lighten up our day. For those occasions, funny quotes and one-liners are quite effective, especially when they poke fun at our everyday annoyances, whether it be politics, work, aging or marriage.

Not content with finding these humorous quotes on only bumper stickers, we set out to put together a list of them. Below, you’ll find the Top 100: Funny Quotes and One-Liners that are sure to put a smile on your face.

1. ”How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell ‘BINGO!’” - Unknown

2. “When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.” - Will Rogers

3. “Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.” - José Maria de Eça de Queiroz

4. ”Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong” - Unknown

5. “Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.” - Brian Gerald O’Driscoll

6. “Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go” - Oscar Wilde

7. “Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.” - Abraham Lincoln (paraphrase from the Bible, ‘Proverbs’ 17:28)

8. “The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.” - Unknown

9. “The hardest thing in the world to understand is income taxes.” - Albert Einstein

10. “I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.” - Unknown

11. “Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you, but not in one ahead.” - Bill McGlashen

12. “Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.” - Marilyn Monroe

13. “The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets” - Al McGuire

14. “When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years.” - Mark Twain

15. “Why is the place you drive on is a parkway, and the place you park on is the driveway?” - Unknown

16. ”If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button.” - Sam Levenson

17. “If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.” - Earl Wilson

18. “Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.” - Albert Einstein

19. “The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.” - Will Rogers

20. “I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”

Short Funny Quotes

Short Funny Quotes

Short Funny Quotes

Short Funny Quotes

Short Funny Quotes

Short Funny Quotes

Short Funny Quotes

Short Funny Quotes

Short Funny Quotes

Short Funny Quotes

Short Funny Quotes

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