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Funny Quotes Of The Day

Written By Nathen Bridgwater on Sunday, July 14, 2013 | 6:58 AM

Funny Quotes Of The Day Biography

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick.
What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho Cheese.
What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.
Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers.
Where was the toothbrush invented?
South Carolina. If it was invented anywhere else it would have been called a teethbrush.
How do you know when you are staying in a SC hotel?
When you call the front desk and say " I've gotta leak in my sink" and the person at the front desk says "go ahead."
Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in SC to 32? It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator.
Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive." The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?" There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, " How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"
How can you tell if a SC redneck is married?
There is dried chewing tobacco on both sides of his pickup truck.
Life's lesson number one
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing at all. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"
The crow answered: "Sure, why not?" So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story is: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson number two
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally, after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Moral of the story: Bullsh*t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
Lesson number three
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate the sound. The cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
The morals of this story are:
   1. Not everyone who drops sh*t on you is your enemy.
   2. Not everyone who gets you out of sh*t is your friend.
   3. And when you are in deep sh*t, keep your mouth shut.If you feel like doing some work, sit down and wait…
The feeling does go away.”
“If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask?"
~Scott Adams  
“There are many who dare not kill themselves for fear of what the neighbors will say.”
~Cyrill Connolly
“Don’t ever wrestle with a pig.
You'll both get dirty, but the pig will enjoy it.”
~Cole Yarborough
“If you drop a white glove into the mud, the glove will get muddy. But the mud will never get glovey.”
“If you need a helping hand, there is one at the end of your arm.”~Audrey Hepburn
“If you live to be a hundred. I want to live to be a hundred minus one day, so I never have to live without you.”
~Winnie the Pooh
“If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.”~Earl Wilson
“What happens to the hole when the cheese is gone?”
~Berlott Brecht
“The tooth fairy teaches children that they can sell body parts for money.”
~David Richerby
“In God we trust. All others bring data.”
~Dr. Edwards Deming
“I have enough money to last me the rest of my life. Unless I buy something.”
~Jackie Mason
“I like work; it fascinates me, I can sit back and look at it for hours.”
~Jerome K. Jerome
“If it weren't for my lawyer, I'd still be in prison. It went a lot faster with two people digging.”
~Joe Martin

“In mathematics, you don’t understand things, you just get used to them.”
~Johann Von Neumann
“A single death is a tragedy; a million deaths is a statistic.”
~Joseph Stalin
“After one look at this planet, any visitor from outer space would say: ‘I want to see the manager’.”
~William S. Burroughts
“A conclusion is the place where you get tired thinking.”
~Martin H. Fischer
“I never apologize. I'm sorry, but that’s just the way I am.”
~Homer Simpson
“Time is that quality of nature which keeps events from happening all at once. Lately, it doesn’t seem to be working.”
“Why does the air force need expensive new bombers? Have the people we’ve been bombing over the years been complaining?”
~George Wallace
“Even a stopped clock is right twice a day.”
~Marie Von
“This sentence contradicts itself…
No actually it doesn’t.”
~Douglas Hofstadter
“Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love.”
~Albert Einstein
“Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.”
~Albert Einstein
“War isn't about dying for your country. It’s about making the other bastard die for his.”
“By the time you figure out all of life’s answers, they’ll change the questions.”
“It’s a mystery of parenthood that your son can give mouth-to-mouth resuscitation to a stray, worm-riddled dog, share a piece of re-chewed gum from a kid with bronchitis and pick his nose and eat it on a regular basis, yet won't sit next to his sister because of ‘Girl Germs’.”

A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.  ~Fred Allen

Say what you will about the Ten Commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them.  ~H.L. Mencken

A compromise is an agreement whereby both parties get what neither of them wanted.  ~Author Unknown

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.  ~Attributed to Arthur McBride Bloch

A gentleman is a man who can play the accordion but doesn't.  ~Author Unknown

If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error.  ~John Kenneth Galbraith, Money: Whence It Came, Where It Went

Don't worry about the world coming to an end today.  It is already tomorrow in Australia.  ~Charles Schulz

All generalizations are bad.  ~R.H. Grenier

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody.  Now I see that I should have been more specific.  ~Jane Wagner, The Search For Intelligent Life In The Universe, performed by Lily Tomlin

The large print giveth, but the small print taketh away.  ~Tom Waits, Small Change

Eagles may soar in the clouds, but weasels never get sucked into jet engines.  ~Attributed to both Jason Hutchison and John Benfield

After all, what is your host's purpose in having a party?  Surely not for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi.  ~P.J. O'Rourke

How come there's only one Monopolies Commission?  ~Nigel Rees

If you teach your children nothing else, teach them the Golden Rule and "righty-tighty, lefty-loosey."  ~Robert Brault, www.robertbrault.com

I have six locks on my door all in a row.  When I go out, I lock every other one.  I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.  ~Elayne Boosler

Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.  ~George Ade

An expert is a man who tells you a simple thing in a confused way in such a fashion as to make you think the confusion is your own fault.  ~William Castle

If The Phone Doesn't Ring, It's Me.  ~Song title by Jimmy Buffet

Man was predestined to have free will.  ~Hal Lee Luyah

Maybe this world is another planet's hell.  ~Aldous Huxley

Murphy was an optimist.  ~O'Toole's Commentary

The only thing that stops God from sending another flood is that the first one was useless.  ~Nicholas Chamfort

The remarkable thing about Shakespeare is that he really is very good, in spite of all the people who say he is very good.  ~Robert Graves

The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't.  ~Douglas Adams

The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.  ~Bill Watterson, Calvin and Hobbes

Today is the last day of some of your life.  ~Author Unknown

Without geography, you're nowhere.  ~Author Unknown

It's always darkest before the dawn.  So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.  ~Author Unknown

You can't have everything... where would you put it?  ~Steven Wright

Funny Quotes Of The Day

Funny Quotes Of The Day

Funny Quotes Of The Day

Funny Quotes Of The Day

Funny Quotes Of The Day

Funny Quotes Of The Day

Funny Quotes Of The Day

Funny Quotes Of The Day

Funny Quotes Of The Day

Funny Quotes Of The Day

Funny Quotes Of The Day

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