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Funny Quotes And Sayings

Written By Nathen Bridgwater on Saturday, July 13, 2013 | 9:24 PM

Funny Quotes And Sayings Biography

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Every day, people are straying away from the church and going back to God.
~ Lenny Bruce
Pray as if everything depended upon God and work as if everything depended upon man.
~ Francis Cardinal Spellman
Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic?
~ Lily Tomlin
When it comes to God’s existence, I’m not an atheist and I’m not an agnostic. I’m an acrostic. The whole thing puzzles me.
~ George Carlin
If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank.
~ Woody Allen
Call on God, but row away from the rocks.
~ Indian Proverb
If God lived on earth, people would break his windows.
~ Jewish Proverb
Skeptic that I was as an adolescent, I had recently come to believe in a Supreme Being after thumbing through a Victoria’s Secret catalogue.
~ Woody Allen
I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much.
~ Mother Teresa
Nobody talks so constantly about God as those who insist that there is no God.
~ Heywood Broun
I find it discouraging – and a bit depressing – when I notice the unequal treatment afforded by the media to UFO believers on the one hand, and on the other, to those who believe in an invisible supreme being who inhabits the sky.
~ George Carlin
If there were no God, there would be no atheists.
~ Gilbert K. Chesterton
I don't know if God exists, but it would be better for His reputation if He didn't.
~ Jules Renard
To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
~ Woody Allen
If God has cable, we are the 24-hour doofus network.
~ Will Durst
Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee and I'll forgive Thy great big one on me.
~ Robert Frost
Then Job fell to his knees and cried to the Lord, "Thine is the kingdom and the power and glory. Thou hast a good job. Don't blow it."
~ Woody Allen
We are told that Sin consists in acting contrary to God's commands, but we are also told that God is omnipotent. If He is, nothing contrary to His will can occur; therefore when the sinner disobeys His commands, He must have intended this to happen.
~ Bertrand Russell
If God is all powerful, can He make a stone so big that He Himself can't lift it?
~ George Carlin
My dear child, you must believe in God despite what the clergy tell you.
~ Benjamin Jowett
I'm still an atheist, thank God.
~ Luis Bunuel
I myself do nothing. The Holy Spirit accomplishes all through me.
~ William Blake
God don't make no mistakes. That's how He got to be God. - Archie Bunker
~ Carroll O'Connor
How can one better magnify the Almighty than by sniggering with him at his little jokes, particularly the poorer ones.
~ Samuel Beckett
If God is everywhere, I had concluded, then He is in food. Therefore, the more I ate the godlier I would become. Impelled by this new religious fervor, I glutted myself like a fanatic.
~ Woody Allen
Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God’s omnipotence did not extend to His kids.
~ Bill Cosby
After creating the heaven, the earth, the ocean, and the entire animal kingdom, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was “Don’t.”
~ Bill Cosby
If you gain, you gain all; if you lose, you lose nothing. Wager then without hesitation, that He exists.
~ Blaise Pascal
Is man one of God's blunders or is God one of man's blunders?
~ Friedrich Nietzsche
Man - a figment of God's imagination.
~ Mark TwainEvery day, people are straying away from the church and going back to God.
~ Lenny Bruce
Pray as if everything depended upon God and work as if everything depended upon man.
~ Francis Cardinal Spellman
Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic?
~ Lily Tomlin
When it comes to God’s existence, I’m not an atheist and I’m not an agnostic. I’m an acrostic. The whole thing puzzles me.
~ George Carlin
If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank.
~ Woody Allen
Call on God, but row away from the rocks.
~ Indian Proverb
If God lived on earth, people would break his windows.
~ Jewish Proverb
Skeptic that I was as an adolescent, I had recently come to believe in a Supreme Being after thumbing through a Victoria’s Secret catalogue.
~ Woody Allen
I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much.
~ Mother Teresa
Nobody talks so constantly about God as those who insist that there is no God.
~ Heywood Broun
I find it discouraging – and a bit depressing – when I notice the unequal treatment afforded by the media to UFO believers on the one hand, and on the other, to those who believe in an invisible supreme being who inhabits the sky.
~ George Carlin
If there were no God, there would be no atheists.
~ Gilbert K. Chesterton
I don't know if God exists, but it would be better for His reputation if He didn't.
~ Jules Renard
To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
~ Woody Allen
If God has cable, we are the 24-hour doofus network.
~ Will Durst
Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee and I'll forgive Thy great big one on me.
~ Robert Frost
Then Job fell to his knees and cried to the Lord, "Thine is the kingdom and the power and glory. Thou hast a good job. Don't blow it."
~ Woody Allen
We are told that Sin consists in acting contrary to God's commands, but we are also told that God is omnipotent. If He is, nothing contrary to His will can occur; therefore when the sinner disobeys His commands, He must have intended this to happen.
~ Bertrand Russell
If God is all powerful, can He make a stone so big that He Himself can't lift it?
~ George Carlin
My dear child, you must believe in God despite what the clergy tell you.
~ Benjamin Jowett
I'm still an atheist, thank God.
~ Luis Bunuel
I myself do nothing. The Holy Spirit accomplishes all through me.
~ William Blake
God don't make no mistakes. That's how He got to be God. - Archie Bunker
~ Carroll O'Connor
How can one better magnify the Almighty than by sniggering with him at his little jokes, particularly the poorer ones.
~ Samuel Beckett
If God is everywhere, I had concluded, then He is in food. Therefore, the more I ate the godlier I would become. Impelled by this new religious fervor, I glutted myself like a fanatic.
~ Woody Allen
Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God’s omnipotence did not extend to His kids.
~ Bill Cosby
After creating the heaven, the earth, the ocean, and the entire animal kingdom, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was “Don’t.”
~ Bill Cosby
If you gain, you gain all; if you lose, you lose nothing. Wager then without hesitation, that He exists.
~ Blaise Pascal
Is man one of God's blunders or is God one of man's blunders?
~ Friedrich Nietzsche
Man - a figment of God's imagination.
~ Mark Twain

Funny Quotes And Sayings

Funny Quotes And Sayings

Funny Quotes And Sayings

Funny Quotes And Sayings

Funny Quotes And Sayings

Funny Quotes And Sayings

Funny Quotes And Sayings

Funny Quotes And Sayings

Funny Quotes And Sayings

Funny Quotes And Sayings

Funny Quotes And Sayings

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